Survive
by wishbone95
Summary: Right after the Tartaros Arc. Erza reflects upon the torture inflicted upon her by Kyoka, leading her to the epiphany that she is simply a shell of who she used to be. Jerza (JellalxErza).


The wind roared across the plains. Not a single person was in sight. For once, Erza Scarlet was all alone. She stood on a cliff, a little outside the city of Magnolia which had now been reduced to a sickening pile of rubble. The skies bled and turned the same shade as her scarlet hair as nightfall approached. Tartars had been defeated only a few days ago and everything had been uncertain ever since. With the Magic Council now disbanded, there was no one to lead the mages and the guilds of Isgar. No one knew what direction to take from this point onwards. It was all a giant mess and just because the "Face" project had been defeated hardly meant that all problems were solved. Now, entire cities had to be rebuilt. Therefore, everyone was always working hard, helping the citizens of Magnolia rebuild their lives.

Usually, Erza would be the first one to help but today, she sat on a cliff, her legs dangling over the jagged side of the mountain. It was not her choice to be here. Mira had forced her to leave early, saying that she should be entitled to at least a night's rest and after all, Erza knew that there really was no point arguing with her white-haired friend. Therefore, she took her advice and now, she found herself here… utterly alone. This was the first time she had ever been alone since her abduction, she thought to herself as her dark brown eye met the sight of the bleeding skies.

To be honest, Erza was selfish. She worked so hard these past days for one reason only- she had never wanted to be alone. Working made her forget, it delayed her eventual confrontation with the events of the past few days. Never again did she think that she would be in such a situation, yet, she had been tortured inhumanely by Kyoka. Of course, she withstood it but she would be lying if she said it was easy. It wasn't. It was painful and traumatic because it transported her right to her childhood. Those days were bad ones, she knew that. The Tower of Heaven was not idealistic, nor was it pleasant. It was anything but that. She was exploited along with all the other prisoners. They were exploited, tortured, humiliated and sadistically promised freedom, only for their dreams to be crushed cruelly by the reality of their situation. Of course, the Tower of Heaven had led her to form close bonds with people like Simon, Millania and of course, Jellal only to have them cruelly ripped away from her. Out of all of them, Jellal always had held a special place in her heart and seeing him possessed by the ghost of Zeref, tortured by the Magic Council and tortured by his own actions against those who he held dear periodically crushed her.

After all, she always knew that she had loved him. It was no secret. Anyone could deduce that in an instant and she knew that it wasn't one-sided. That crushed her more. He loved her, yet he refused to be with her in order to atone for his sins. While she respected his decisions, she never would admit that he tortured her while torturing himself as well.

Therefore, Erza Scarlet was no stranger to pain. She had been tortured as a child and she had been tortured ruthlessly ever since she found out that Jellal was alive. Recently, she was tortured again by Kyoka and it was only then that Erza realized something- she was numb to pain. She saw the bruises, she registered the injuries but she never felt any pain. It had become such a routine sensation that she had actually become immune to it. Of course, she didn't claim to be immortal or anything, just that she never felt the sensation of pain anymore. As a result of this, she had always charged headfirst into battle, praying to feel something. She had always placed her life on the line, praying to feel alive once again. But she never did. She had nearly died in the hands of Kyoka a few days ago and she felt nothing. Kyoka robbed her of her sight and her other 4 senses. Yet, somehow, Erza had continued to fight. It shocked Kyoka and everyone who saw it of course. While people expected it to be traumatic, the truth was that it was enlightening and liberating for her. When Kyoka robbed her of her senses, Erza had realized how numb she actually was. She felt nothing. She did not feel their absence. She had been living in darkness for most of her life and it didn't affect her, not one bit. Therefore, Kyoka unwillingly had liberated her and forced her to face reality- she was a mere shell of herself.

Most people would call her a survivor; they admired her for her bravery. But it was all false. Erza knew that she was a victim. She accepted her fate and she never questioned it. Therefore, even when she was being tortured, she never wished anything against her torturers. If she did, she would have been a hypocrite. Erza had been torturing herself since she could remember after all. She lived to die. Being tortured once again by Kyoka only reaffirmed her thoughts. Life was not for her. However, no matter how much she wanted to, Erza could never actually kill herself. Sure, she had tried to on countless occasions but she had never gone through with it. The only person who knew was Mirajane who had caught her attempting to slit her wrists at her house a few years ago. She had never told anyone else only because she too knew that Erza would never go through with it. It was not that she was afraid of death. No, she embraced it and oddly enough, she felt a strange sense of attraction towards it. Death would liberate her after all. Therefore, the only reason as to why Erza did not allow death to embrace her was because of Jellal. She had to live for him because she knew that he lived for her


End file.
